Writing this was way harder than I could have ever imagined. I hope you guys like what my brain and me have come up with tho.
I can, of course, only speak for myself when it comes to this but I personally, crush on people kinda easily but I very rarely fall in love. To be honest, I think I’ve only ever truly been in love with my first serious boyfriend.
Falling in love is way easier than being in love. In order to be in love with someone, in order to make a relationship work, you don’t only need to love the other person but you need to love yourself. A relationship can only work if both people involved know their self-worth, I mean if you feel like you’re worth shit you will let people walk over you and you probably won’t stand up for yourself, which is something that you definitely need to be able to do.
I am pretty sure that some of my past relationships didn’t work out because I was struggling with myself, I was struggling with loving who I am as a person, with loving my body etc. It’s really hard to accept the fact that someone loves you if you feel unlovable.
I am not saying that you shouldn’t start a relationship if you’re struggling with something or if you’re not feeling well about yourself. Everybodys different and it may even help you, I can only speak for myself when it comes to this. But for me personally, to start a relationship I need to be in a good place mentally, otherwise I won’t be able to make it work even if the guy I’m with at that time is a really good guy.
My first ever serious boyfriend was 21 years older than me, when we got together I didn’t know how old he was and he didn’t know how old I was. He looked younger than he actually was and I looked older. When we discovered how big the age gap between us was we were both shocked but already in love so it didn’t stop us from continuing the relationship. I was still in school and he was living in an illegal squat and went through bins to get something to eat, the odds were pretty much against us but we made it work. Our relationship was really great for the first 9 months I think, we were in love, we loved spending time together, we did everything together and we were both very comfortable around each other. Then I moved away, which means that we only ever saw each other on the weekends. At the same time, the police started coming into the squad more often and arrested the people living there on multiple occasions. Everything just got harder and harder and he also started drinking more. He had been an alcoholic for about 25 years when I met him but when the squat started turning into a really unsafe place his drinking got really outta control. He got into (physical) fights with other people who lived there, people who I was and still am friends with. One time when we were chilling in this one guys flat in the squad he got black out drunk and fell asleep. I was just sitting next to him, I was talking to the other people who were there and we were having a really good time. Then suddenly he woke up, he started hitting me so hard a mate of mine literally knocked him out to protect me. Thats when things got really bad, he moved in with this really fucked up girl and he cheated on me. He was really drunk when he did it and called me the second he realised what he had done, I told him that we need to break up because he cheated on me. He ended up trying to kill himself, the hospital called me because he didn’t have any kind of health insurance, (when you live in a squad you have a place to live but legally, you are homeless) so me and a few other guys paid his hospital bill.
I met up with him one last time, talked to him and he told me that he’d move to the city I was living in at that point. After that, I got a few drunken phone calls from him where he was crying and talking about stuff that didn’t make sense but I never saw him again. None of us actually saw him again, a friend of a friend once told me that he met him in Berlin but I am not sure if that’s actually true.
Anyways, that was like my first proper relationship, I am still sure that he loved me and I am also sure that I loved him. The relationship, the way it ended, made me feel like shit tho. It wasn’t just that I lost someone who I truly loved, I was just really hurt by the circumstances and I started doubting myself. I was really young, way younger than him and I had given him everything I had to offer and he cheated on me with a literal wreck of a woman. He cheated on me with an alcoholic, drug addicted mother of three whose kids got taken away by social services. For the longest time I just didn’t get it, I mean getting cheated on is always a shit feeling, but if the girl he had cheated with was some kind of supermodel I would’ve been like “yea well, she’s just way prettier than me”, but since he cheated on with a girl who was a literal wreck (she was one mentally and she also looked it like) I was just asking myself what had made him do it. It basically put me in a place where I questioned everything I had previously liked about myself. I felt ugly, I felt unbelievably unattractive and I felt like nobody would ever love me again. I started dating loads of guys to make myself feel better, I was basically begging for approval. At the same time, I also couldn’t accept any compliments, I couldn’t accept any kind of positive attention because I felt like I didn’t deserve it. I couldn’t enjoy any kind of attention and I was still craving it for some reason. I wanted guys to like me, I wanted to be loved but I also couldn’t accept the fact that some of the guys I went out with actually liked me. And that was simply because I didn’t get why they liked me, I felt like nobody should/could ever like anything about me.
After that relationship I didn’t have Sex for the longest time, I couldn’t let anybody touch me because everything just felt wrong. I mean something must have driven the guy I loved away right? What if it was my body? I just didn’t wanna share anything of myself.
The next serious relationship after the one I just talked about I got cheated on too, which basically made all the bad feelings resurface. Thats actually why I haven’t dated anyone in the longest time now. I just don’t feel ready to go through all of this bullshit again. I mean if I met the guy of my dreams tomorrow and if he liked me back, I would probably give it a shot but right now, I’m just not actively looking for a boyfriend.
I don’t necessarily belive in love at the first sight, I mean you can feel drawn to another person from the second you met them. Personally don’t think that I could fall in love that fast. But I am also not very romantic, there’s times when I’m like “yea, would be nice if there was someone who would put rose petals all over the bed to surprise me” but I don’t know if that’ll ever happen and I also don’t want to get my hopes up. Whatever happens probably happens for a reason. I don’t know if there’s someone out there who’ll want to spend their life with me and I don’t know if I’d like to spend my life with that someone. I’d like to think so, I defiantly want to have kids in a couple of years and I’d love to have someone to share everything with, someone who I can trust. But you can’t force things to happen and I’m still young, I’m not worrying about that kinda stuff right now.
I hope you guys like what I wrote, I feel like I got a bit off topic but I just didn’t know what else to write. I’m pretty sure I would’ve come up with something more clever if I was like 80 or at least a bit more experienced when it comes to this whole topic.
Love for me has something to do with being able to trust that person with everything. In order to accept someone elses love and in order to give someone my love I need to feel save. I definitely do have some kind of trust issues because of my past experiences but you can’t let them get the upper hand, you gotta fight against them. Just because someone has treated you like shit before doesn’t mean the next persons gonna do the same. If you don’t feel ready to trust the person you’re seeing, you’re simply not ready for a relationship just yet.
Being single is nothing to be ashamed about, being single doesn’t automatically mean nobody wants you, being single means you don’t just start a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship and I think that itself speaks for a person.
Anyways, thank you for reading!